The Therapist
by CSENTIMENTAL VALYOU
Summary: Remember that girl who always worked hard to make sandwiches and clean up other peoples messes even though she got other people to do it. No it's not your Mom, It's Hikari, and in this episode the sandwichlover takcles The Therapist in the seventh chapter
1. The waiting room massacre

**Authors note:** This series I thought of in the spur of moment. Sitting in Summer School really does that to you. I was busy with Soldaten, so this one got delayed. Even I know this is a little messed up but heck! This is based off of Evangelion where everyone has mental issues. Just in case I do not own GAINAX or Evangelion or any any of these characters.

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All was quiet in the in NERV Headquarters 01. It was Saturday and everyone was on their break, except for one guy: the Therapist. He worked behind the scenes, helping people out with their mental problems. He helped the three lieutenants, Maya, Mokoto, and Shigeru,get out once and while. He helped Gendo get over Yui, somewhat (he didn't know about Rei until after the therapy). Commander Fuyutsuki was at the Therapist's office constantly. He never knew how to act around women. In fact his conversations with Rei were staring contests. One time they went staring at each other for 5 days straight. Rei had to break the contest because Gagheil was attacking Unit 02. The life of an EVA pilot was oh so boring: Angel this, Angel that, problems at home, more problems at home, and Misato drunk. The therapist's client today was a large group and was going to be tough to tackle. 

Shinji Ikari- 14 year old male: thinks everyone is out to get him, carries his teddy bear everywhere for comfort.

Rei Ayanami- 14 year old female: not very open; unintentionally sexy to both Ikaris and just about ever other guy.

Misato Katsuragi-29 year old female: beer, wine, vodka, and no gut? Suspected Anorexia and too hung up on Kaji

Kaji Ryoji-31 year old male: needs to find another girlfriend, can't decide between rapist (Misato) or Pedophile (Asuka).

Asuka Langley Soryu-14 year old female: carries huge katana and Stinger Missile Launcher everywhere. Likes picking on Shinji (he deserves it).

Toji Suzuhara-14 year old male: jealous of Shinji. Thinks Shinji has sex with Rei, Misato, and Asuka.

Kensuke Aida-14 year old male: just as obsessed with weapons as Asuka. Thinks he is in the Vietnam War. Also thinks the 'fucking congs' are going to attack Japan. Has already laid claymore mines around him.

Hikari Horaki-14 year old female: major crush on Toji. Has obsession with sandwiches and EVA. Recommended Asylum case.

Kaworu Nagisa- 14 year old male/angel: plays with Shinji mind. He just loves seeing the look on Shinji's face when he does something out of ordinary. Another problem is even though he is an Angel, he is somewhat an Atheist. Recommend quarantine

Ritsuko Akagi- 30 year old female: obsession with computers. Needs immediate rehabilitation.

The therapist glanced at each at their files. He knew this group were part of the most stressful and agonizing Animes to be in. He had worked with Hentai rehab and the Love Hina bunch before but this would be an uphill battle. He readied his tranquilizer gun in case one them got rowdy. He got up from his desk and glanced through the window. The ten clients needed help immediately. He made his final preparations for his clients and looked again out the window.

Shinji, who had recently turned emo, never looked up from his song that he was writing. He wasn't really good at singing or writing songs (neither is this author). His song was how he was loser, why he couldn't get a girlfriend, why he was EVA pilot, why life sucked, and the usual emo crap.

Asuka who was sitting a few chairs down was holding a katana very close to her chest. She was twitching uncontrolablly and was mumbling things under her breath. Kaworu stood up from his chair and walked to an empty one next to Asuka.

"Asuka is something wrong?" he asked as he placed his hand her leg.

"Get…Away" Asuka tightened her grip on the katana, as she 'grinned' if you could call it that.

"I think you're just misunderstood," Kaworu said with a grin "I think you just need sometime to get away fro…" Asuka unsheathed her blade and cut Kaworu's head off! Blood sprayed everywhere coloring everyone in deep red.

"YEEEEEEKKK" screamed Misato and Hikari. Everyone else just stared. Then Kaworu's head started talking again.

"You know that wasn't very nice," He said in a calm tone "You spilt most of my blood and now I'm going to be sore in the morning Goddamn it!" His decapitated body walked towards his head and was trying to screw it back on. It was about as fruitless as Michael Jackson going to jail. Kaworu ended up super glue his head together. The Therapist shuddered.

Kaji who was sitting a few chairs down was very troubled. Misato was drunk again and started clinging to him like a leech. On the other hand Asuka was waving her blood stained hand at him. You could see on his face that he wanted a vacation, badly. He wanted get away from Asuka and Misato. Maybe he'd find someone else, like an American.Kaji always had a thing for Selma Hayek. He always liked the Movie industry, maybe he could be the first Japanese James Bond or Hugh Hefner.

Rei Ayanami was sitting far away from the others, secluded in her own little world, thinking about cheese and sand. She sat with her hands in her legs very calm. Then Shinji walked over and started to hit on her. "You know," Shinji started "I'd love to see you in your apartment sometime, like that one time, what do you say?"

"No thank you," Rei responded quietly "I'd rather not."

"C'mon, please Rei"

"I'd rather not have intercourse with you yet. I haven't had my period yet."

"Wow, too much info." With that Shinji walked off and went back to cutting himself. The Therapist could see he really should get a raise for dealing with these people. He eyed Kensuke who had an old RPD in his hands with an M79 grenade launcher strapped to his back. He also made a fortress made out of C4. Tojo who was sitting next to him had his arms crossed, and had the look like he didn't want to be here. He didn't notice Hikari on his arm and making him another sandwich. The Therapist decided enough was enough. He sighed to himself and said

" Time to make the insane sane" He walked out of his office where he could now see the group had started fighting again this time it was Asuka and Ritsuko using swords, with everyone cowering in the background except for Kensuke who was sticking to his guns. The Therapist only did two things: Whistled and called Asuka in.


	2. Case 1: Askua Langley Soryu

Authors Note: You've probably had teachers who drone on and on about something that supposed to do with what you're supposed to be learning. That's when I thought of an idea for the therapist. I mean when you're in a boring classroom, sooner or later your going to crack. More rants about bad teachers and random stuff in Chapter 3; anyways I do not own GAINAX, Evangelion, The Doors, or I love Huckabees. One more thing if you like this, read my other story Soldaten; it's not a comedy but I've got some good reviews for it.

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****Case 1: Asuka Langley Soryu**

The Therapist called Asuka in after he had witnessed a battle between her and Ritsuko. For some reason the battle was started over whose life was worse: Asuka's or Ritsuko's? But all the Therapist wanted was to go home, blood free. Asuka came in and shut the door behind her. She went to sofa-chair where she took a breather and started to relax for once. The Therapist glanced at her file again, it said mental issues but he wasn't so sure. He thought she was just bi-polar.

"So," began the Therapist "do you know why you are here?"

"People think I'm overly violent. More violent then most Animes will allow?"

"That and something else. Can you name it?"

"Well I thought it was that because I think should rule Anime, because they just don't make it violent enough."

"Excuse me Asuka, but that's not the point…"

"I think," Asuka interrupted "that violence should be more graphic. Not just grenade bullet rounds that will blow off your leg, instead they should have missile rounds where people totally explode…"

"Stop right now Asuka!" The Therapist wrote down "MENTALLY UNSTABLE! MUST BE SENT TO ASYLUM ASAP!" The therapist looked up from his notepad and spoke in a calm voice "I've heard you also pick on Shinji. Is this true?"

"Yes, but he deserves it!" Asuka whined.

"I think you should give Shinji a chance. Asuka he is going through a rough time with his dad and his mother dead so I think you…"

Asuka interrupted "He stills sleeps with a teddy bear." She started to put her hand on the katana. The Therapist could sense he was going to end up like Karou if he didn't do something.

"Well that does fit with the emo personality he has, but still you shouldn't…"

"He wants to rape me, Rei, Misato, and his bear."

"Wow! No need to go for killer burn. You've got your own dark past, so don't even think of blaming Shinji."

"No I don't." Asuka said defiantly.

"But you do. Check this out." The Therapist reached for a remote and clicked "Play." The tape showed Asuka in her room talking to a picture in her room. The therapist zoomed into the picture, and it was a picture of Kaji. Asuka was singing "Touch Me" by the Doors to the Kaji photo! (Author: for those of you who don't know "touch me" here are the words Asuka sang to Kaji).

" _C'mon C'mon C'mon C'mon! _

_Now touch me babe. _

_Can't you see that I am not afraid?_

_What was that promise that you made?_

_Why won't you tell me what she said?_

_What was that promise that you made?_

_Now I'm going to love you, till the heavens stop the rain._

_I'm going to love you till the stars fall from the sky, for you and I." _

Asuka suddenly stop singing and turned her head around where she could here Misato talking to herself about Kaji. Asuka started kicking on the wall yelling "SHUT UP MISATO!" Then she went back singing to the Kaji picture for 10 minutes straight.

The Therapist turned off the video and turned around to Asuka. Asuka was sitting very still except for her mouth which was moving very fast uttering curses. It went something like this: "Goddamn! Mother Fucking Holy…Faggot! Dyke! Dickhead! Bitch!...Crap! Shit! Crabgrass roots (?)!...Baka! I-di-ot! Asshole!...Son of Bitch! Goddamn no good dirty rotten!...Fuck! FUCK! Fudge!...Bastard! Pussy! Soccer field (?)!...Emos! Flamethrowers! Stoners!...Sluts! Christ! Geez!... _and_ _the list goes on…_

All the time Asuka was cursing, the therapist just nodded his head or shudder. She droned on for a few minutes, as the Therapist timed her rant it went up to about 9 hours. During this time the therapists was able to beat Final Fantasy X and Half-Life 2 and watched "End of Evangelion." Finally he asked "Are you done yet?" Asuka was panting and uttering things you couldn't understand, but she finally took a finally took a deep breath and said

"You're not going to show anyone that are you?"

"Nope, not a soul." He answered.

"Not even Kaji?"

"Not even Kaji."

"Ok Doc," she smoothed out the ruffles in her dress and finished her thought "what do I need to do?"

"I suggest going on a long trip, like to Germany or the Bahamas."

"Ok, how about Germany."

"Done and done." The therapist printed out a round trip ticket to Germany and gave it to Asuka. "Here you are Asuka. Enjoy your trip! Your plane leaves in 2 hours in suggest you get moving."

"Sure Doc and arigato."

"Sure thing Asuka, enjoy yourself."

"I will." With that Asuka left through the back entrance as a free girl. She threw down the katana and stinger missile launcher, and skipped into the sunset. The Therapist sat back in his chair and relaxed a little. He congratulated himself with a pat on the back and with a Pepsi. When he was done with the Pepsi, he threw it into the trash can and yelled "NEXT VICTIM!"

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Epilogue: Asuka arrived in Germany a new, non-violent, and peaceful girl, until she visited her old house. In the basement she found her old 02 Evangelion unit with a new S2 engine. Her fingers twitched as she climbed in the entry plug. When she activated it, all of Germany surrendered to her automatically. She took he rightful throne as Queen Asuka of Asukaville (formerly known as Germany) with her prince, the Kaji photo. Kaji still has no idea not he is now a prince of a country or that Asuka still likes him. By the way she also started World War 3, with Germany again starting the war. I guess old habits die hard. 


	3. Case 2: Rei Ayanami

**Author's Note**: I am amazed at the stuff that I write sometimes. I always used to write stories kind of like Soldaten. This one just came out of nowhere. And the funny thing is I don't even own Evangelion.

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion or GAINAX. You know it's funny that I'm writing this when a have a few pirated games. Ironic, no.

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The Therapist was relived that one of the more violent cases, Asuka Langley Soryu, was closed. However, the Therapist knew he only won D-Day and that was one strategic battle, and his clients were World War Two. As the Therapist looked out the window, he thanked whatever possessed him to make his windows bulletproof. He saw Kensuke and Shinji playing Mech Assault 2 on his Xbox. Kensuke always won the games even though Shinji was an Evangelion pilot. Then, Shinji always choked Kensuke with the cord and clubbed him on the head with a controller. The Therapist had just seen them get into another fight and from the looks of his plants and his coffee table; they had been going at it for a while. The therapist relaxed a little when he saw Ritsuko putting her obsession of computers for the good of mankind: she was using it to fix Steam on Half-Life 2. Tojo was writing a college essay on why he hated Shinji even though it could be stated in few words. Hikari was sleeping on Tojo's lap and the only thing Tojo did to her was use her head as desk to write his billion page essay, either than that he didn't notice her. Misato was doing nothing special: just being drunk…again and clinging to Kaji…again. Kaoru was trying to weld his head back on since the super glue failed. All he succeeded in doing was yelling so many "GODDAMN IT'S!" it would've made Cartman's head go off like nuke. Kaji was wishing that he did something else for a job, like a manga artist. The only person who wasn't really doing anything was Rei. She was listening to "In Between Days" by The Cure on her ipod. The Therapist decided that he would take the only one who wasn't going to kill him, cry up a flash flood on his office, or not listen to him: Rei. He picked up her file and saw that she was hiding a lot under her skin. 

The Therapist walked towards the door and opened it. When he stepped into the waiting room everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at the Therapist, wondering who he would take.

"Rei, come on in. It's your turn now." Rei switched her ipod off and walked silently inside the Therapist's room. Just then Shinji stopped choking Kensuke and ran up to the Therapist like he was going to kill the Therapist.

"If shegoes in," Shinji stammered "I go in with her. I can't bear not being with her."

"No puppy eyes Shinji. Stick with your whiny, predictable, and insane self."

"RAAAAHHH!" screamed Shinji, "Listen to me! Let me in with her, you bastard!" The Therapist's couldn't stand anymore of Shinji's whiny rants so he took out his tranquilizer gun and shot Shinji."What the hell?" Shinji said as he examined the needle.

"Damn" thought the Therapist dissapointed that he wouldn't knock out Shinji. ThenShinji started towalk like a drunk into a chair where he was finally knocked out while taking about seeing Karou soon. Everyone looked on with uninterested faces.

"Don't worry," said the Therapist "he's only knocked out. It should wear off in a few hours." Misato stopped slobbering on Kaji's face and spoke to the Therapist.

"It's only (hic) Shinji (hic) doc (hic). And he's (hic) in love(hic) with Karou." The Therapist shook his head and closed the door. He cursed under his breath

"Damn GAINAX for writing this crap!" he swore silently. He looked back at Rei. Rei sat down quietly in a chair while the Therapist closed the door. The Therapist walked to a chair turned away from Rei. Rei shifted uncomfortably in her chair as the Therapist looked at her file.

"So what's on your mind?" began the Therapist.

"Boys." She said softly.

"Ok, that's normal for your age. Can I ask why?"

"None of the guys I know are normal. I mean they either yell too much, too preoccupied, or too obsessed with the EVA's, or they're just creepy."

"Yeah, that's all the guys in the waiting room in a nutshell."

"And the girls…well they're either too drunk, too busy beating up someone, or too hung up on something or someone."

"So, you don't feel like you belong Rei?"

"Well I tried modeling for a time to make myself weird, in a way. That didn't work; all I did make myself unintentionally sexy to almost every guy. I think I gave Shinji one of my photo's with my signatures on it to get him off my back. I'd hate to see the things he does with it at night." The Therapist twitched in his chair uncomfortably and wrote down "Asuka was right. This Shinji guy does want to rape everyone."

"After that encounter with Shinji in my room, I'd rather avoid him avoid him at all costs.'

"That's understandable, still why'd you think modeling was going to help you? I mean it only turns you into a creepy, supposedly sexy, walking corpse. I mean have you seen some Vogue before? Man, those chicks must throw up for breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday." _Damn, she's really foward, thought the Therapist._

Rei smiled a little and started to relax. "Well I really don't why I did it, but I do know why I got out of it."

"Why?"

"Well all the girls over there were like "Save the earth! Eat your greens! Don't burn petroleum, Fuck Abercrombie & Fitch!" And was like "Girls, I fuck up the earth everyday with my EVA, I burn petroleum everyday like it was a bonfire for N'SYNC cd's , I love Abercrombie and Fitch!"

"Yeah those models can be pretty damn crazy can't they?" replied the Therapist.

"So I quit after a few shoots with the GAINAX crew. I hated how they tried to make me intentionally sexy, instead stay with the cute look. I mean there's more pictures of me looking like I want sex than Asuka and Misato put together."

"Well look at it this way, there's not a lot ofunintentionally sexyblue-haired models out there."

"Are you hitting on me?"

"No, you've got me confused with a catholic priest."

"Sorry, I get that a lot of that from guys, so I assume they're hitting on me."

"Does this have anything to do with Shinji?" The Therapist asked

"Yeah it does. You see I'm supposed to be this other person you know as Yui."

"Yeah…Yui," said the Therapist, remembering his sessions with Gendo Ikari. The guy loved Yui, no doubt of that, but they guy "loved" too many women. I mean he had an affair with Ritsuko's mom, while he was trying to bring Yui (or Rei) back to life. I mean this guy would've raped Shinji, if he was a girl. "I remember her." The Therapist said as he finished his thought.

"Well anyways," Rei went on "Shinji, barely knowing his mom well…doesn't know who to act around women."

"You mean he pulls the 'feel sorry for me, I'm a loser and no one likes me' act?"

"That and a few others. The bad thing is I fell for him…once." Rei said quietly.

"So you don't know who to how to say no?" asked the Therapist.

"Well yeah, we went out on a date to the movies to go see Metal Gear Solid 2. Shinji has a thing for Rose."

"Probably for her endless rants about how her relationship with Raiden is. Geez she was annoying, it was always whine this and cry that. And Raiden, he could be Miss Shemale if he wanted to along Leonardo DiCaprio and Karou."

"I never could understand that movie. Especially how Rose could be pregnant especially with Raiden never…did anything with her. I mean what's the logic in that?"

"Yeah ironic, isn't it? I mean you weren't really born and… "

"What was that you just said?" interrupted Rei.

"Nothing…"

"But that's not the whole story."

"Really, there was? And that would be?"

"Well, at the end of the movie, Shinji he…well…he pushed me up against a…"

"You mean? You were…"

"No, thankfully not, Shinji wanted but he couldn't. If that would've happened you'd see me in a different shape. He couldn't do anything to me because Misato was so drunk that she bashed Shinji's skull open with a beer bottle. He forgot to pay for our tickets to movie."

"Hey, Misato does care for Shinji in some demented, twisted way. It's nice to know she's somewhat of a good guardian." The Therapist said through a laugh. Rei smiled a little as she got up.

"So Mr. Therapist what do I need to do to make myself better."

"For starters, get far away from Japan as possible. I suggest Australia or the States. Second off, learn to communicate with people. Live with some roommates go buy some better clothes and get some décor for that room of yours."

"Thank you doctor, but one question.

"Shoot."

"How do you know so much these kind of relationships?"

"Well I've got plenty of experience from Keitaro and Naru from Love Hina. I used to council them a lot. I tell you it's a stressful job, but if Animes would stop making up such violent and weird characters, then maybe I could retire on my private island."

"Well thank you; I will be a better person. I promise!But you know you're not a good therapist. "

"That's the spirit, and don't reccommend Animecharacters to me; I want to retire at 40!" The Therapist said as he gave her the thumbs up. Rei walked out the door. The Therapist satisfied that he had helped another bad case of anime. He looked through the window. He still had an uphill battle ahead of him, so he checked his tranquilizer gun, readied his notepad, and brushed his coat. "WHO'S NEXT!" he shouted.

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Epilogue: Rei took the Therapists advice and fled to America, where she found a new hobby: cheerleading. Rei was the only blue haired cheerleader ever to be in America. After cheerleading, she now has her own show on home décor, cooking, and fashioncalled "How to EVAlize your lifewith Rei and Pen-Pen." All this author knows is that she is satisfied because she is no longer with NERV, the Ikari's or any EVA's. I guess she's enjoying it a lot, wouldn't you? 


	4. Case 3: Kaji Ryoji

**Authors note: **Well, here it is the fourth chapter. You know how I'm making dumb jokes and even stupider comments with some random stuff? This same question keeps on rebounding in my head: Why do people like this series? Oh well, I think too much, time start banging myself on the head with an Evangelion DVD. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow… (This should continue for about good ten minutes.)

Disclaimer: I do not own GAIANX, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Ubi-soft, and Platoon…

Shinji sat in the waiting room all alone. Asuka had been cured (sort of), and Rei was now had her own home, garden, and fashion show. He felt alone, again, partly because he had nobody to think about when he masturbated. Hikari just didn't cut it, because she went "basket case" from the Breakfast Club, and enjoyed filling her sandwiches with sugar and Fritos. She was weird, even for Shinji's standards, and Tojo obsessed with Shinji's demise, so none of them worked out. Misato was well too old for Shinji, about a decade too old. Plus Shinji thought that she had some kind of STD, like genital herpes (yeeekkk!), crabs (AAAAGGGGHHH!), or AIDS (isn't anybody concerned about the morals anymore?) Shinji didn't notice the looming threat over him: the terrible Kaworu and his sidekick, the crazy Jackson 05. No one seemed to be noticing them at them time, because Michael was so white he blended right into the walls of NERV.

"Shinji," Kaworu said creepily "how are you doing, right now?" Shinji looked up at Karou and a strange looking nose behind him. He got tense a little tense, but relaxed when Shinji thought it was his imagination. Kaworu started moving intimately close to Shinji.

"Shinji," Kaworu cooed with a sparkle in his eyes "I'd like you to meet my friend."

"Hey kid," said the figure "I'm Michael Jackson. I think you're going to like my Neverland Ranch with plenty of wine and satin sheet." Michael started to drool. "Mmmmm, yes, satin sheets." The Therapist then walked in the door furious that he had to play solitaire while he waited on people. When he looked o his right, he saw Michael Jackson and Kaworu staring down at Shinji. Shinji while in the fetal position was leaving two open points: the anus and his ears. Kaworu was talking in his ear softly speaking.

"…we can share beds, hold hands and no more EVA." No man should be put this torture, but Shinji whose mind was little by little cracking, was growing more and more compliant. The Therapist pulled out his tranquilizer hand-gun.

"PWHAP!" went the tranq from barrel to neck. Kaworu flopped over like a puppet with no strings on top of Shinji. The Therapist reloaded another clip into his gun and pointed on the nearly invisible Jackson.

"Now come on darling," Michael pleaded "let me talk to the boy, please." The Therapist grinned with malice and a little hint of Asuka. He placed his index finger over the trigger and stroked his non-existent beard.

"Well Michael," The Therapist grinned "ever since that album photo of Thriller, I knew you were screwed up. And you were with Kaworu, and trying to get Shinji in your little love triangle, you sick bastard. I would love to turn you over to the police, but there are too many fans of yours here. I guess I'm going to have to dispose of you myself, GTA style. WELCOME TO JAPAN, BITCH!" The Therapist unloaded three empty tranqs into Michael's chest.

"Hehehe," giggled Michael "those were empty, who's the bit...uuuunnnnhhh" Michael seized up and dropped onto the floor, where he finally died.

"Ok, everybody quick science lesson;" The Therapist started "force air into a person's heart and they have a heart attack." Everybody stopped what they were doing and rushed into the Therapist's office. The Therapist grinned, but saw one loner in the waiting room still: Kaji. The Therapist walked into his office eager to cure them all, but then he looked on in horror. They had gone into his stash of empty tranquilizers, and started stabbing each other with them. Hikari rammed three into Tojo, and Tojo slammed 5 into Hikari. Misato stabbed Ritsuko, after Ritsuko asked her what the hell was going on. Shinji put three into Misato and one into himself. Kensuke put one in his leg (Platoon, anyone?). This lasted a few long seconds, before all of them collapsed from heart attacks. The Therapist shook his head in disgust and walked out of the room to the waiting room. He saw Kaji sitting in his chair rather uncomfortably, this was the first time in a while that someone hadn't sat on his legs. It took a while to get the feeling back in his legs.

"Hey Kaji," said the Therapist "do you think you could help me with a mess here?"

"What did my girlfriend do now?" Kaji sighed.

"Well it's all of them." The Therapist replied.

"Alright, I'll help." Kaji moaned under his breath "I'm getting too old for this." The Therapist threw Hikari over his shoulders and dragged Shinji by the collar. Kaji obviously took Misato. The Therapist set Hikari and Shinji down on two separate chairs. Kaji set Misato down next to them. The Therapist went back to drag Tojo and Ritsuko out of his office, however Kaji didn't follow. He started slobbering on the unconscious Misato! The Therapist walked back into the waiting room where he saw Kaji. He forgot all about Tojo and Ritsuko and both their heads fell with "CRACK!" as the hit the floor. The Therapist's mouth was gaping in horror! This EVA cast was more screwed up then the reports said. The Therapist threw himself back to reality as he started to speak.

"Condoms and toothbrushes were invented for a reason, Mr. Kaji." Kaji jerked around and looked at the Therapist, clearly ashamed of himself that he would do this sort of thing in broad daylight. "Mr. Kaji," the Therapist continued "Kensuke still needs to be picked up. Can you do it without putting the moves on Misato or Ritsuko?" Kaji nodded his head briskly, without looking back at the Therapist. As Kaji walked out of the office, the Therapist made sure he didn't do anything sexual by pointing his tranquilizer gun at him. Kaji started sweated bullets faster than Homer Simpson on a treadmill for 10 minutes (if he could survive that long). Kaji threw Kensuke on the ground and cautiously made his way back to the office. When he walked in the office, Kaji quickly took a seat, as the Therapist double bolted the door to the waiting room. "So Mr. Kaji…something, I think you and I both know why you are here." The Therapist bluntly stated.

"Well because Gendo, suggested that I'm critically insane. Even though I'm obviously not. He's probably overly stressed in his little bunker like Hitler."

"You think? Did you just see what you were doing in the waiting room? You were doing things that you should be doing in an elevator! And with a drunk woman too! Have you no sense of dignity man?" The Therapist sat back down calmly in his chair, waiting for a response from Kaji. "I'm waiting Kaji." He said impatiently.

"I'm thinking, I'm thinking…" the Therapist looked at his watch while yawning. " I was doing CPR on her. I mean she was passed out from that heart attack."

"Kaji, this is anime. People are almost invincible here, I mean look at Keitaro from Love Hina, Ichigo from Bleach, Kenshin from Samurai X, or Rei from Evangelion. Those should've died plenty of times, but no they go on living somehow, without seriously being maimed. Do you think a heart attack is going to stop them? They'll be up at the end of this session." Kaji stared in amazement. He knew he had to talk straight here, but the problem was he didn't know how to.

"Well…ok" Kaji confessed "I do have problem with Misato, but that's it. No one else, nope not a soul. Not a soul."

"Then explain this, Episode 9, Scene 2 of Neo Genesis Evangelion."

(This is a recording)

Kaji: You've lost some weight.

Ritsuko: Oh?

Kaji: You're enduring an unrequited love.

Ritsuko: Really? You're so very sure.

Kaji: A woman with a mole on her cheek is destined to life full of hardship and sorrow.

Ritsuko: If you're trying to put the moves on me, you can't, not while that face is pressed against the glass anyway (Misato's face is pressed against the window). It's been quite a while Kaji.

Kaji: It's been a while alright

(End recording)

Kaji looked blankly at the screen with his mouth wide open. He could not believe that was him right there. The Therapist not waiting for Kaji to respond popped in another recording.

(Start Recording)

Setting: Rei's room late at night, while she is in the shower. It splinter cell like figure moves on top of the ceiling, his feet are the only thing holding him up from a hard fall. He sets up a camera, only the size of a thumbnail, in the corner of Rei's room. He heard the shower being turned off, as he finished the final touches on the camera. Rei walked out of her bathroom with only a towel draped over her shoulders. A voice that was not Rei's was starting to come on.

"Damn, if she spots me the mission is gone." It was Kaji's voice! "I need a distraction, ok I'll shoot her, oh wait no that wouldn't work." The Splinter Cell-Kaji paused for second and then said triumphantly "I know," he took his pistol took aim and fired at the Ikari's glasses on the "shrine" Rei had set up. As they shattered into a million pieces, Rei burst in tears and ran to the glasses. "Mission Accomplished" Splinter-Cell Kaji said bluntly.

(End Recording)

Kaji just stared into space, almost like he was dead. The Therapist waved his fingers at Kaji, but it was no use. The shock and awe tactic proved to be too shocking for Kaji. Kaji then looked at the Therapist again, twitched and twitched again. The Therapist spoke to Kaji in a friendly and calming manner.

"Kaji, why did you set up the camera in Rei's room?"

"NERV asked me to watch her?" Kaji said stupidly.

"Nope, there already was a camera installed in her room. Why another one, Kaji?

"For security" Kaji replied.

"All you did was watch those tapes in your office, Kaji. Want me to show you some more?"

"No, thank you." Kaji paused "Okay, so I've got a problem. What the hell do I need to do to fix it?"

"Well for starters," the Therapist began "get away from Misato. A little R&R, you know a little rest and relaxation never hurt anyone."

"Ok, but where do I go? Kaji asked.

"Well I know you would like to be an actor, and I do have some people I can hook you up with at Warner Brothers. How about you take some acting."

"I can…I can act, you're serious?" Kaji said child-like.

"Yes, give me a minute and a chopper will take you across the sea to the states, where you can start you're acting career." Kaji started to cry up a flood.

"I can't believe this," Kaji said tearfully "is it too good to be true?"

"Yes! Now get off Kaji! I just swept the floor this morning!"

"Is the chopper waiting?" Kaji said impatiently.

"Yes, now get out of my office, damn you!"

"I will never be able to thank you enough."

"JUST LEAVE ALREADY, DAMMIT!"

"WHEEEE!" Kaji skipped and jumped with joy as he bounced out of the Therapist's office.

"Damn, that guy is annoying." The Therapist said flatly.

Epilouge: Kaji soon left for the states, where he found his first acting job. He starred as the Exorcist in Exorcist 3: The really, really, really bad one. In this one he smites demons with bad country music! After a bad stint in acting, he is now the spokesperson for Gillette. Kaji now lives in a mansion overlooking Folsom Lake in California.


	5. Case 4: Kensuke Aida

**Author's note:** Hey all you other people on this CSENTIMENTAL VALYOU coming at you with the new Therapist installment. For those of you, who like the story, thank you for being supportive. For those of you don't like it… we need to work on few things. One more note, for those of you waiting for your favorite character (Ritsuko, Misato, Kaoru, Hikari, or Tojo) give a shout. Sorry Shinji is coming in absolute dead last.

The Therapist checked the clip of tranquilizers; only two left! Since the EVA bunch had wasted all his other tranquilizers (please see case 3) he would have to be cautious from now on. Kaji, Asuka, and Rei had all been dealt with appropriately, and were now sane, somewhat. Asuka was now trying to conquer Europe in her Evangelion, Rei had her own home/garden/cooking/fashion/daytime talk show, and Kaji was now making love and millions of dollars as the spokesperson for Gillette. The Therapist looked out his bullet proof window and saw that most of the cast was still out for a long time, except for two people. Kensuke was draped in a poncho and muttering something under his breath while he clutched his M-16 rifle close to his chest. The other one, Hikari, was clinging to Tojo's face didn't notice Kensuke or anybody else except Tojo. Tojo just drooled on her. The Therapist, sensing no danger, played Guild Wars online with some friends of his.

A few hours past by as the Therapist slaved away, as he launched countless firestorms, power shots, and arrows at his foes, on Charr and poor noobs alike. He peered at his watch, as he roamed Ascalon looking for opponents to face him. It was about 5 o'clock in the afternoon, and his clients were still asleep. He thought he should check their pulses soon. Ah, the joy of being paid up front as a therapist: if one of your clients dies, it's one less sad sack to take of and you're paid for lounging around. Just then the Therapist saw black silhouettes lurking outside the exit. It was probably Commander Gendo Ikari saying there was another damn angel to take care of, but this time the figures tried to break down the door. The Therapist reached for his pistol when he noticed that Rei had left behind a bottle of blue hair dye. The Therapist walked over cautiously and picked up the bottle. He noticed the words "Highly Inflammable" written in big, bold letters on the bottle. He picked it up and ran behind the cover of his desk. With a sudden "CRACK!" of the door black-suited figures flooded the room. When they signaled "all clear," one of black dudes wearing a backpack with twin canisters, walked into the room. The Therapist recognized it as a flamethrower. The figures started to flee to outside of the door, as the flamethrower guy readied his weapon. The Therapist timed his throw to when the man opened fire. The figure clicked the igniter, and then The Therapist threw the can of hair dye towards the flame. The figure thought inflammable meant "not flammable" and was blown up instantly, leaving a huge hole in the wall leading to the Geo-front. Ah, the joys of the English language.

"See that suckers!" The Therapist yelled, "That's what happens when you try to steal my clients!" When the Therapist calmed down, he gazed at the huge hole that Rei's hair dye had made in the wall. "Geez," he said as he stared into the huge hole "does Rei have to her dye hair blue. She knows that hair dye is made of the same stuff as N2 mines." Then he heard more gunfire coming from the hallway, where the clients were! "Oh…damn," the Therapist moaned. "Who's shooting who?" The Therapist then walked out of his office and into a foxhole!

"Keep it down," hushed Kensuke "I think Charlie's around that corner." Kensuke thrust a Mossberg 500 shotgun into the Therapist's chest. "Here you'll need this."

"Ok, but first things first, how the hell did this damn foxhole get here!" screamed the Therapist. "And another who the hell is trying to steal my clients?"

"Live with it, we're being invaded by the JSSDF, Mr. Therapist. And to answer your other question, the foxhole is just a conveniently placed plot device."

"Plot device? You're telling me this is a damn plot device!"

"Shut it Therapist! They're coming!" Right on cue a squad of JSSDF troops came into the hallway. Kensuke turned up "Fortunate Son" by CCR to the max, and let loose his shells. The Therapist followed with a 3 shell salvo with his shotgun. Other squads came to help out the wounded JSSDF, and take over Kensuke's and the Therapist's position. The Therapist fired off until he had to reload, however Kensuke didn't wait to reload his M-16 and charged boldly with his combat knife in hand. With a few quick strikes with his knife, JSSDF squads fell before Kensuke's mighty knife. Kensuke walked back quite calm, even though blood was smeared all over his clothes, face, and knife. The Therapist made a quick note on his notepad: "This kid is a damn crazy combat junkie!" The Therapist leapt out of the foxhole, where he threw down his weapon, and walked towards the door. He looked back to see Kensuke trying to slit Shinji's throat!

"Kensuke, get a hold of yourself damn it! That's my job!"

"Oh, sorry…but he slept on a frickin' ambush!"

"Get in here now, Kensuke! You've got some problems and I'm here to fix them!"

"Yes sir." Kensuke said glumly as he dragged his feet into the Therapist's office. Finally the Therapist got fed up with him, and decided to kick Kensuke in the head. Kensuke landed head first into the wall, missing the chair by a few inches.

"CHILD ABUSE!" yelled Kensuke "CHILD ABUSE! CHILD ABUSE!"

"Oh shut up Kensuke, you were about to perform first-degree murder on Shinji. As a matter of fact, let's start with why you hate Shinji? I mean everybody's doing it, so why do you have to do it?"

"Because, he stole my spot for being an EVA pilot. It's not fair; I know all about military tactics, The Evangelions, geography of Tokyo-3, I mean I'm perfect for the job.

"Kensuke," the Therapist started "you know that everyone in your class could've been an EVA pilot. I mean how big is your class? 30 kids, 35 kids, around there probably, right?"

"There are only 9 of us, including the teacher."

"Geez your life does suck. You're the only one besides Hikari who didn't get picked."

"Shut up, I deserve better than being a lowly student."

"You're right, Kensuke. I don't deserve this job, maybe I should be Johnny Rotten, or the signer of a Punk-Goth band, so I can write the perfect song for this depressing drama called Neon Genesis Evangelion."

"Well, could you give me advice to improve my life, at least?"

"Well for one thing you could get rid of that stupid camera thing you always carry around, at least."

"No way, my whole life is recorded on this baby."

"Even you're peeping days?"

"Even my what…?" Kensuke asked with a stupid tone of voice.

"You know, those days where you stuck a camera in Asuka's, Rei's, and Hikari's locker to peep on them when they got changed. I think I found excessive drool on Rei's camera too." As the Therapist said this, Kensuke shifted in his chair uncomfortably.

"And here's one time you had to stuff yourself in locker, to act like a really, really, really sad guy. I kind of borrowed the tape without asking. Is this all right with you?" Kensuke just sat there with his mouth wide open.

RECORDING 3-15-2015

Asuka: Damn, it was a damn hot day today.

Hikari: It'll only get worse in July.

Asuka: How do you Japanese people stand this heat? In Germany, we always have refrigerators everywhere because of the beer.

Hikari: Because Japanese people can take it, Asuka. We've lived with atomic bomb remember? It was hotter than this when that piece of shit hit.

Rei: I don't think it's hot

Asuka: It's because you barely wear anything out there wonder girl.

Hikari: You know all this talk of heat is making me hot. (Takes off her skirt)

Kensuke: (inside a locker) Ohhhhh yeeeeaaaa, take it off Hikari.

Asuka: Did you guys hear anything?

Hikari: No.

Rei: No.

Asuka: I could've sworn that I heard someone. So Hikari, you told at lunch that you think your boobs have grown a little bit, right?

Hikari: Yeah, I'm now a size B.

Kensuke: (still in locker) Oh great, not the breasts, not the breasts. I'm going to pop.

Asuka: Still small Hikari, but do the thermal expansion joke with one of the guys. Their look is priceless. Just ask them what would happen if you put your hands over there breasts.

Hikari: Ok

Kensuke: (the loser is still in the locker) Crap, I'm going to run out of film, if they keep this up.

Asuka: Wonder girl, what's your bra size?

Rei: D

Kensuke: (he's still in the locker) HOLY SHIT!

Asuka: There is someone in here, check that open one.

Rei: There's a boy in here.

Asuka: I knew it, Kensuke get out of there, you pervert!

Kensuke: (finally out of the locker) Well hi; Tojo just stuffed me in here so I'll be leaving.

Hikari: No way! Nobody get's away at staring at my panties, and LIVES!"

Kensuke: Bye! (Runs towards the door)

Asuka, Hikari, and Rei: GET THE PERVERT! (Door opens to the girls' locker room, a whole class walks in)

Asuka: KILL THE PERVERT!

All girls in locker room: GET KENSUKE!

Kensuke: Oh crap (last we hear is one huge, destructive SLAP! Camera goes blank)

"Obviously, you have a peeping problem, as well as a gore problem." Stated The Therapist quite calmly.

"Ok, what do I need to do?"

"I recommend a long vacation, far away from Japan."

"I've always wanted to explore the jungles of Vietnam."

"So you can relive the Vietnam War? That's not exactly the place I'd suggest, but are you sure?"

"I'm very sure. I want to live my life long dream as Green Beret in Vietnam."

"Ok, whatever you say Kensuke. VTOL leaves in a few minutes. I suggest you get some vaccines before you go."

"Thank you! I can't believe I can finally do this! I'm so happy I could dance!"

"No Kensuke! Not here please! Over in the 'Nam wear I can't see you." And so another client left the clutches of the Therapist, the Therapist could relax for once. He glanced if any clients were awake. They were still out like a street full of lights. The Therapist maximized his Guild Wars screen and resumed his quest for sanity in cyberspace.

Epilogue: Kensuke arrived in the 'Nam where he started his journey of reliving the Green Beret days. Unfortunately for him, Green Beret's are overrated. He was swarmed by mosquitoes, bad rice, ammo shortages, and no woman. It was just him and his camera, until one the day when he was blown up by a 45-year old mine. Semper Fi Kensuke, you've taught us not to be as stupid as you and never to go war or the 'Nam for that matter.


	6. Case 5: Ritsuko Akagi

Author's Note: Well Avid readers of sorry this took too long to put out. I've been busy with my job, moving to a place 400 miles away from my original home, and school. I promise I'll get the next one out quicker.

Disclaimer:  I do not own Evangelion in any way shape or form, and I probably never will because I'd be too lazy to manage any sort of anime.

"Damn you Kensuke and your bad aim!" The Therapist shouted out loud, hoping Kensuke would hear him from wherever he was. Just then Gendo Ikari shouted a story down.

"Shut the hell up! Can't a guy peep on Rei's clones in peace! Sheesh!"

"Damn it, the commander heard me." The Therapist sighed and went back to work cleaning the blood and refurbishing the walls ripped apart by Kensuke's shotgun shells. He kicked a JSSDF corpse and spat on it. "Who the hell thought you guys up anyways? You ruin my walls and drive my patients insane! Damn you and your even worse aim!"

"Ding!" went a computer. The Therapist looked around and saw it was Ritsuko typing stuff on AIM. The Therapist just gave her a confused look and shook her head and went to drag the still unconscious Shinji, Tojo, Hikari, and Karou. Misato was still had hangover and was walking around in circles humming some backstreet boys song to herself. The Therapist started to drag the bodies into a closet. He took Misato first, because he couldn't stand the backstreet boys and her incredibly bad singing.

"La La…Backstreet's back alright!" She sang in a daze. The Therapist picked her up but she still wouldn't stop singing until he threw her into a closet. Then he dragged Shinji who was whining about his dad and his mom…again. The Therapist threw him in with Misato. Kawo-chan was muttering something about rape when The Therapist threw him off a ledge and into some LCL to drown. Tojo had his mouth open muttering,

"Okonomiayki…Sushi…Seaweed…McDonalds…bean jelly with bread…" The Therapist threw some cheese into his mouth. Tojo nibbled on it happily and quietly. Hikari was muttering about Orlando Bloom and her going to the mall. The Therapist grunted as he slammed the door on the Evangelion Cast. He walked to his chair and plopped down in it trying to get some sleep. He was soon rudely awakened by a "DING!" from Ritsuko's laptop. He threw a Homer Simpson lamp at Ritsuko, hoping it would shut her up. The lamp hit her head with a loud "THONK!", as she flopped over unconscious on her laptop, which "DINGED" again. The Therapist threw a crowbar at the laptop, which exploded on contact. He fell into a deep sleep in his chair dreaming about some random shit.

"HUH! WHERE'S THE FIRE!" yelled The Therapist as he heard another "DING." He turned around and found Ritsuko with yet another laptop.

RsToKiTtY 00: LOL!

"Cut that out Ritsuko."

RsToKiTtY 00: Meanie 

"Really Ritsuko, don't tell me you want to be with these guys in the closet," He pointed in back of him where you could hear Misato moaning. "Being with your adopted child is not supposed to be an ORGASMIC EXPIERENCE, MISATO!" She piped down immediately.

RsToKiTtY 00: Tat Misa is such a sex fiend. I don't get it.

"She…just…um…I don't why she's like that. I think she's been away from Kaji too long. But then again…"

RsToKiTtY 00: but wut?

"Can you stop that and talk face to face and ditch the laptop. It's making my computer feel superior to your little laptop."

RsToKiTtY 00: No I won't ditch it.

"Are you asking for an earlier session, Ritsuko?"

RsToKiTtY 00: Mybe I am.

"Ok, right here, right now get on the couch!"

RsToKiTtY 00: I didn't know you were so forward with your feelings.

The Therapist started to sweat bullets as he heard the last few words. "T..That's not what I meant!"

RsToKiTtY 00: oh my, the rapist has the hots for me.

"Don't make fun of the name!"

Finally Ritsuko got up and went to the couch. She slumped down and looked towards the Therapist intently. Laptop in hand, She began her trek towards sanity…or not. The Therapist called up her file on computer, reach was full of nothing but computers and cats. In High School she was "Most likely to be an Extreme Nerd" and she was also the number one Starcraft champ in the Gamer's Club. Straight A's all her life except Philosophy, which she got a B in. Attended College with Misato, and during that time was only hit on once. She never had many sexual thoughts about men or women, but about cats. She was very involved with her work at NERV. The Therapist just tossed it away. This was stuff you could tell about her from 500 feet away. She was more bore and redundant than Rei!

RsToKiTtY 00: So what's wrong with me?

"Um…nothing you seem clean, compared to the rest of the crew. Well…except for on e thing: is it true you've never had a boyfriend and your how old?"

RsToKiTtY 00: Well I was hit on once, by another gamer…sort of."

"What do you mean sort of?"

RsToKiTtY 00: Well he thought that if he could be beat me Starcraft, I'd go on a date with him.

"Let me throw a wild guess out there, but you beat his ass right?"

RsToKiTty 00: He dropped out off school the day after I beat him.

"Damn, you must be good."

RsToKiTtY 00: I am the goddess that spanks men.

The Therapist shuddered at the thought. "Well then let's get to business, first put away the laptop and let's find another job or a better anime to go to."

RsToKiTtY 00: No I am keeping the laptop

"We can make this easy or hard, Ritsuko right now you're leaning towards hard."

RsToKiTtY 00: Well let's make it easier on both of us, and I keep the computer.

"Fine, fine we'll keep the laptop, but where we are going you won't need it."

RsToKiTtY 00: Where?

"Tokyo's best nightclub: Café de la Sexy. It's in center of the city, only a stone's throw away from here."

RsToKiTtY 00: why do want me to go th…

The Therapist didn't wait for her to answer, and dragged her by the ear to the nightclub in the city.

The Therapist and Ritsuko arrived at the nightclub a little after midnight. Ramiel had just been destroyed by Shinji and Rei, so the nightclub was less than full because of the evacuations. All the people that were left there were heavy drinkers, lonely guys, or social outcasts. In other words if you wanted to commit suicide in a way, you came to Tokyo-3 in some hope that you would be crushed by an Evangelion or Angels body. Ritsuko looked around and summed it up in a way that only a person with a PhD could say.

"YOU BROUGHT ME TO THIS &#HOLE! Café de la sexy, my eye! Sounds more like a #$#Z strip club than a nightclub."

"Lot's of nightclubs are like this Ritsuko. Stop being such a prick and socialize already." Ritsuko just turned around and headed out the door. The Therapist yanked her by the collar back to where she was.

"Ritsuko this is to develop your social skills. After this you won't need the computer to talk for you anymore."

"After this I'll need to be on the day-after pill!"

"Relax, Akagi look there's someone over there. Go talk to him." Sure enough there was a guy sitting at a far table, quietly sipping a drink. His bangs fell far over his head so you could barely see his eyes. He was kind of unkempt and had a five o' clock shadow that hadn't been shaved in a week.

"Uh…excuse me sir…is …is this seat taken?" she said with a stupid grin on her face.

"Ritsuko! What are you doing here?" The man looked up from his drink revealing Kaji, The Therapist's previous patient!

"Kaji, I thought you moved to America. What are you doing back in Japan?"

"Well, I came back hoping to win over Misato, so invited here for a drink but so far she hasn't come here."

"You'll be happy to know she's still in the waiting room," answered The Therapist

"Oh that's good…wait…she's in your office? Why the hell is she in there?"

"Apparently she wanted some alone time with the kids."

"Oh shit!" Kaji slapped his face hard, shaking his head. "You know she's going to put the moves on Shinji, right?"

"I warned him," said Ritsuko.

"You didn't warn me!" shot back The Therapist.

"Anyways," Kaji interrupted "The lieutenants are here, Ritsuko. I'm going to relax for a while." Kaji pointed to other side of the room where Maya, Makoto, and Shigeru were all sitting at a table and very wasted.

"I say Elites and Master Chiefs should be in the new Final Fantasy BURP! don't you hiccup?" Shigeru said in a slurred voice.

"No Manny Calavera," put in Maya "from Grim Fandango should be in it!"

"You guys have it all wrong!" shouted Makoto "Ichigo from Bleach should be in Final Fantasy!"

"No…thank you." Ritsuko replied to Kaji "I can't stand drunks." Off in a corner a bartender yelled. "Is there anyone here who knows a Gendo Ikari?"

"Yeah," replied The Therapist "I know him."

"Well he left his group here. You know anything about it?"

"Group?"

"Yeah, he left his group called Rei-wave here."

'What the hell? Let me see them for a moment?"

"Alright, they're backstage if you want to see them." The Therapist tugged at Ritsuko's jacket, with a quick thrust.

"You need to come to Ritsuko. This can be apart of your therapy."

"I think I've had enough therapy for a lifetime, at least from you."

"Aw, don't saw that Ritsu…"WHAM! Ritsuko sucker punched the Therapist sending him flying into the air and crashing into Maya's breasts!

"YEEEEEEEKKKKK!" she screamed as she sent him flying back into the air, where he landed backstage on a whole bunch of half-naked Rei's!

"Damn it." He whispered as he backed away slowly. However the Rei's had different ideas. One came up to him and hugged him; another helped him to his feet.

"Konichiwa, Sensei." All the Rei's said in unison. They al looked at him intently, waiting for him to answer.

"Uhhhhhh…" The Therapist was just as confused as Misato when she was drunk. "Why are you girls back here?"

"Gendo Ikari needs us to do escort service so he can keep NERV afloat." One Rei answered. All the other Rei's nodded all together.

"Ikari, you sick bastard, I should've kept you in therapy the longest," Cursed the Therapist.

"Could you be our manager," one asked "Ikari, dumped us so we need another one." The Therapist smirked, for he had found a calling for Ritsuko.

"I can't but I know someone who can." He ran out the door towards Ritsuko, who was just about to order a drink.

"Ritsuko, Ritsuko! I found a job for you and it sounds a whole lot better than your old one!"

"Really what is it?"

"Well Gendo left a whole bunch of Rei clones back there, and they are looking for a new manager."

"Ok, I'll talk to them." Ritsuko got up and left to the backstage area, while the Therapist sat sipping at her martini.

Ritsuko came out with the Rei clones as she walked towards the Therapist.

"We've decided that I'll watch the Rei's." said Ritsuko

"Cool aren't you excited, no more computers to mess with!"

"Yeah…computers."

"Well know that you won't have to use computers anymore, I'm off." The Therapist got up from his chair, dodged a beer bottle thrown by Maya, and walked out into the early morning light.

Epilogue: Unfortunately Ritsuko wasn't cured. She used the Rei clones to make cheap computer parts for the Black Market! The Rei clones lived under harsh conditions until by some mishap; Asuka with her German army conquered China and killed Ritsuko in the process. The Therapist has not made any statements about Ritsuko; however the order to kill Ritsuko was signed in NERV paper. Was it The Therapist or Gendo angry at Ritsuko for stealing his clones? The World may never know.


	7. Case 6: Hikari Horaki

**Authors Note: **Well school has certainly slowed down my writing. Damn Honors English, I bombed a test and know well…most of you know what happens after that. Along with PSAT's coming, my week is pretty much set. Well at least I'll have plenty of time to think of some more random things

**Disclaimer:** In case any of you are working for some corporate police department, I guess I have to say this again. Ahem I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or GAINAX or any of its affiliates. Nor, do I own any businesses mentioned in this fan fiction. All people are fictitious and are really not who they are. They're actually more boring. See, Society, I'm not a total failure and I will contribute to the building of America. But before that I have to make a story that most uptight people would faint at the sight at and then want to silence me. I can already hear the mob outside my house.

Back at NERV headquarters, the rest of the patients were still looked up in the little three by six foot closet.

"I never thought I'd be this way with a whole bunch of kids!" Misato moaned "Stop kicking me Shinji!"

"Sorry Misato-Chan I need some leg room. And I'd really like some space between Hikari and you. I might get some wood, if you know what I mean."

Toji looked back, "Dude, you'd better touch me with that thing or else kick yer friggin' ass." Hikari squirmed towards Shinji, were she started to put her legs between his.

"I'd like to feel it Shinji. Could you 'whip' it up for me?"

"Hikari, what the hell?" Toji shouted "I thought you liked me, not him!"

"Aw, Toji you're so cute when you're whiny," Hikari smiled "but you were too boring for me. You don't do anything to me or anything to anybody. You just sit there and talk about how you hate Shinji."

"Ok, kids lets not let our hormones get a hold of us." Misato interrupted as Hikari wrapped both her legs around Shinji.

"Advice Misato," Misato tried to look back at Toji who was behind Shinji and Hikari "Shinji's a chick magnet if you haven't noticed."

"A little too late for that, Toji," Misato flinched as she felt something on the ground "This better not be what I think it is?"

"What?" chimed the other three in unison.

Misato looked at them with utter disgust "Shinji is this yours? I don't remember you even know what these were."

"Dat's disgusting Misato!" yelled Toji "Put that damn thing away before Shinji remembers what to do with that."

"He wouldn't use this." Misato said while looking like she was going to puke.  
"Why not?" asked Shinji.

"It's used," Misato said dreadfully "and not even the good kind too. I didn't know they made these anymore?"

"Hey Misato you found my teddy bear! Oh my God, thank you Misato." Toji's blood started to boil as he saw the 'thing'. It was a genuine Care Bear! It was even dressed up with a pink bow tie and a rainbow chest. Misato was shaking her head at this boy she had watched over for the time he was an Evangelion pilot. Hikari's eyes lit up like stars when she saw the bear.

"HOW CUTEEEE! My little Shinji has a Care Bear!" Shinji started to sweat bullets as he know noticed that Toji and Misato were shunning him while Hikari was hugging him or his bear. He realized he was in dire straights.

"Dude, dat is so sad," Toji said bluntly "by the way where da hell is dat therapist? He should've been back by now?"

'I don't know about that," Misato sighed "I've lost faith in everything, and now that Shinji's up in Hikari's skirt, I don't know what the hell to believe." Toji realizing this was his only chance to make moves on Misato, but was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Oh finally, is that you Mr. Therapist?" The door swung wide open with Karou standing in the way, smiling ear to ear.

"Well what do I owe this pleasure," Karou sighed "All the boys for me and some girls for some massaging pleasure. Let me in there!"

"DAMMIT KAROU!" Misato screamed as she smashed his face in with her shoe "This isn't the time or place to do that, we're getting out."

"Damn, we were having fun." Shinji and Hikari both protested.

"NOBODY ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION!" Toji and Misato both yelled so loud it made the Evangelions fall out of the cages. Karou got up rubbing his head were Misato left a huge purple bruise.

"So what the hell is going on?" he asked. Shinji turned around and looked at Karou.

"Weren't you thrown into a pool of LCL a few hours ago?" Karou looked at his clothes and then at Shinji. Karou realized he was completely dry and that he couldn't swim.

"So how you did get out of there?" Misato asked Karou.

"I don't remember." Karou replied scratching his head. The remainder of the cast walked out to the waiting room, where the Therapist was waiting for them. They all looked at him in stupefied shock.

"What you guys aren't glad to see me?" He was greeting by kicks to the groin and face by Misato and Toji. While they were 'greeting' The Therapist, Hikari, the sex fiend, and Shinji, the sterile one, frenched in the corner. Karou just stood idly by, waiting for this to be over. "I'll take that…ouch…as a no."

"Ya betta take dat as a complement! Ya Bastard!" Toji said, grinning over the therapist.

"First you lock us in a closet and you don't even have the courtesy to take us out? What the hell were you drinking at that nightclub?" Misato kicked him again then had to pry Hikari off Shinji, because Shinji was starting to lose oxygen.

"Ok, well!" The Therapist jumped up as if nothing happened "Who gets to be the lucky one! Volunteers, please!"

"Nope."

"Hell no."

"No."

"Sorry"

"So Hikari, you're with me,"

"Huh? Who was that?" Hikari looked up from her Play Girl magazine.

"I have a few requests, though. Number One: pants, number two: no thongs and no bra, and I'm sending you to the hentai magazines, and number three: please refrain from orgasmic moaning, flashing, or bending down in any way in front of me."

"This guy's an idiot." Misato whispered to Shinji.

"Yeah, no kidding." Shinji whispered back. The Therapist turned around and looked at Shinji and Misato who were now staring off into space and humming to themselves.

"Alright, Therapist-san but I don't have any pants."

"What! You mind running that by me again?"

"I've never owned a pair although out the whole season of Evangelion."

"Aw, damn it all to hell. Fine then at the very least change your manners so you're not flashing me every 5 seconds, ok?

"No guarantees about that. But take me to the room, now!" Hikari looked like a Sailor Moon girl. Her skirt just grew considerably short; her eyes grew huge and now had little stars in them. She even had the big, poofy, curly, eighties-ish hair.

"OOOKKKKAAAYYY. Lose the Shojo act Hikari. Please." The Therapist said flatly. "Just change your clothes Hikari."

"Oh, damn you're no fun." Hikari stuck her tongue out him and went back into the ladies room to change.

"Oh you're in for a surprise, Therapist. She'll come out with something worse." Toji looked back at the ladies room. Hikari got out with a shirt and pants on, but not the right kind.

"FOR CRIPES SAKE! Hikari that's demeaning to women, honey." Karou yelled. Misato could only shake her head in disgust, as Toji and Shinji looked on in drooled amazement. Hikari was wearing shirt that just looked like a poor excuse for not wearing a bra. Her pants were... nothing but pink chaps.

"I'm ready!" Hikari said as she let her face brighten up the room while her clothes defiled it.

"Ok, fine but you're at least putting on a towel."

"Damn."

"Now c'mon inside, you're going to freeze."

"I thought it was an eternal summer here. Right?"

"Just get inside."

In the office, it was quiet as usual, although Hikari was making enough noise with her own orgasmic moans. The Therapist just grabbed some earplugs from his desk to block it out.

"So, before this session takes place can you please leave all sex desires behind, please Hikari."

"I don't know, let me think. No!"

"Ok, that's problem number one: Hikarisex fiend."

"I'm not a sex fiend. We girls don't have Viagra or anything like that we have a little thing called our period."

"Yeah, yeah next you're going to tell me is that you're on you're period. I am I right?"

"Bingo you are! And here's proof." She lifted up her skirt were there was a huge red stain covering a once-white pair of panties. All the Therapist could do was shake his head and turn away. "Really this is just what happens to us girls. Why don't you guys ever get used to it?"

"Because Hikari," The Therapist with his hand still covering his eyes "guys are slow to change. Take a hint already!"

"Well ok, I get it. Even though you are twenty or thirty something you still haven't gotten laid yet."

"SHUT UP!"

"Ok well, I'll make you a real man. Are you ready to rock?"

"Um… Hikari, I have a confession to make."

"What is it?"

"I'm not a pedophile, so leave your panties on and sit down." The Therapist looked down his list of things Hikari had that weren't normal. "So I see you have an obsession with sandwiches."

"Yeah I like sandwiches because of my former job."

"I thought 14 year-olds couldn't have jobs in Japan."

"Well in my past life…"

"Wait, did you just say past life?"

"That's right, in my past life I was the co-founder for Subway Inc."

"Ok, Hikari. So tell me about this 'past life' of yours."

"Well my past life is the reason of my sex drive and my obsession for sandwiches because the owner of Subway Sandwiches also loved his playboy bunnies."

"Um… both the owners of Subway Sandwiches have no ties to the Playboy Mansion whatsoever. You're just making this up to make an excuse for yourself and your antics."

"Ok, fine. It was an alternate universe, there happy?"

"Yeah, that'll be fine." He wrote down in his notebook: "She's lost it entirely."

"So, since my former self was a guy, I have never had any problems with naked guys. I just have a problem with them, period."

"But why are you constantly with a guy in these sessions. First, Toji, then it was Shinji. Who's next? Karou?"

"Nope, Kaji's the next one."

"He's already got Misato and Asuka on him. And if I recall Misato has a Colt .45 on her at all time as well as some booze. Asuka has an Evangelion and she rules over Germany now. What do you have that can beat them?"

"I can call upon my fellow sisters and brothers in arms at Subway Sandwiches. I'll just seduce the rest of the people I'll need."

"Wait…"

"That's it! Thanks Mr. Therapist, I finally know what the rest of my life is supposed to be!"

"Hikari…" Before Therapist could stop her, Hikari ran outside and raced to the nearest Subway Restaurant. "Oh boy," The Therapist muttered to himself "I better not tell Gendo about this."

**Epilouge: **Hikari finally made it to the Subway Resturant, where she railed the workers and the entire Subway staff around the world in a crusade To eliminate the threat of Asuka Langley Soryu from the face of the earth. Armed with sub-machine guns andlettuce mashers, the workers of Subway tackle the might of the Asukain army. Last reports say that Hikari and her army have just made great advances on the Russian front. The Russians are glad to now have Asuka as their liberator and savior as well as bringing great food to the oppressed people of the former Soviet Union.


End file.
